Lives Of Misused Toys

Lives Of Misused Toys

This site is dedicated to my sisters...

Some times I sit and wonder why life dealt me these cards. It feels as if I could have had better life. I never wanted as a child to be shy or antisocial it was just how I lived. I just wanted to be loved by anyone, everyone that could love. So as a child I was to trusting of others and their intensions. Maybe if I would have been more like the rest of my family outgoing, carefree, happy maybe my life would have a lot worse. Perhaps there was a point to me being different more dependant on my self; somehow I do believe that was one of the best choices I could ever make for myself. But to say I hate my life is going a little overboard; I hat some of the things in my life but not my life.

For years Teari had begun to lose her sanity. As if nothing to spontaneous or too dangerous was enough for her, it always had to be better than the last. She prowled the streets late at night alone waiting for a sign. Normally random guys would try to pick her up and she would just smile and say they didn’t have enough to buy her for one hour. Then one day she was inspired… Christen.

Once upon a time we were all innocent and life seemed to rip the innocence away from us. Teari Christen and I began to give up pieces of ourselves for what we considered love and justice. And by May we had had enough of the childish games and needed a release to set us free. A night in August we wanted the satisfaction of being so high no one could bring us down. Life had been destroying us, Christen was always been watched because she was becoming to fast, Teari’s mother was a complete bitch never allowing the sun to touch her pale skin, and my parents smothered and squeezed the life out of me. We wanted something to make us free. Misery and sex, drugs and self mutilation set us free.

I want to go back so it never happened, to save Christen so much pain, save myself. Christen was the last to lose all her innocence, one barrier kept her from all that. She had always been the fastest of all of us. You barely saw her with one guy for more than one occasion, and when you did see her with that particular guy some article of clothing was off, his or hers. Even if she wanted to sell her soul I would have helped her if it made her happy. I loved both my friends and would have walked through fire for them. Christen was a flame, bright and beautiful yet dangerous. I could not control or shape her to value her life more, she saw herself as an object and ugly. But at that time we were all ugly. I longed to change the past, Teari longed to be loved and sought after the wrong men to make her life better, and Christen used sex to make the world respect her.

Christen saw no other choice but the sleep with Marc. Teari and I set up the whole thing. She and Teari spent the night at my house while my parents would be gone for the day and we’d meet Marc and she’d go off with him. Teari dressed herself in a short mini and her favorite white blouse with only one button so you could see her red bra. Christen looked like a slutty catholic school girl in a plaid mini skirt, and I of course wore my lucky jeans and tight black shirt. We waited for Marc for hours and he never showed to the library the secret rendezvous. He had us meet at McDonald’s and he took us to my house. At my house they rang quickly to my room then locked me and Teari out. We listened for the creaking sounds of my bed, we heard nothing but silence. After thirty minutes a naked christen and half dressed Marc emerged from my room. She had the sweetest look on her face, more satisfied. After that day we never saw Marc again.

Days later the little fool got both Teari and I in trouble for her sexual activity telling her mother she thought she was pregnant. She ratted us out, breaking my heart. Life was never the same, we all were never trusted again and the parents tried to break up the bond. We snuck around for months after and hung out but we would always caught. I love both my friends but life had to go on without them both.

I have no regrets, just memories of times when the world seemed so vast, and the possibilities of our future had no end. When imagination had no bounds and when growing up was the most dreadful thing to a child. When your friends were your sisters and you had no family but them. And they were my sisters. Good friends were hard to come by, mine were hard to lose. After all the shit they got me into, they were right there to get me out of it. And I was grateful to have them. We came from different lives and yet a common bond fused us together. Three strands, woven into a stronger force, a sisterhood. Life wanted to tear them apart and we held our own against all odds.

We came from different backgrounds us three. I myself was a sheltered spoiled Christian brat that was longing to be free of the oppressions of parental love. I was the lair, pretending to be something I knew was not of me. In perfection I was decaying. Everyone loved me, I was the perfect Christian girl, living in a world of make believe blinded by what actually was there. Teari was longing for love from her mother who seemed to be in a world of denial and self spoken lies. Her parents had spilt when she was young, she ended up raising her younger siblings with her mother at work by day and school by night. She would walked the streets for solace, and her poems reflected the angst of the hell she was living. Christen rebelled against what her mother never wanted her to be, just like her. Since she had Christen at such a young age she tried to protect her from the harness of life that she had seen. Only to allow her to be drawn to the things she was protected from. We had all blocked unpleasantness, only because our world alone were falling apart. Only we knew each others anguish, and became the most unlikely friends.

We partied like rockstars, nights full of debauchery, alcohol and drugs. Teari was our ringleader, her mother was never home long enough to notice her daughter’s emptiness. She never took notice that her daughter was crying out for the love she felt she was missing. She never allowed the pain to show. But her sisters noticed, why wouldn’t we have? We drank vodka as if it were water and smoked weed as if it were the air, and carried on with our heads high as the high began to set in. Our lives meant nothing, we were sinners, whores, alcoholics, love addicts. Some nights we were teenage prostitutes, selling our hearts on the open market. Some nights we were criminals on the run from the local police. Every night was an adventure. We changed good girls into sinners, bad boys into lovers, and ourselves from abused little girls into broken.

I went home to a quiet home, I felt so lonely without my sisters. So isolated, so misused with them by my side. I went back to the bible screaming at for the answers, it gave me none. And mirroring it was ripping my heart at the seems. No sex, no alcohol nor drugs could numb the feelings. Outside the alcohol and sex we saw each others chaotic hearts. I gave my heart away the same way they gave their bodies. We were used over and over.

I watched as teari gave her heart away to the males in her life. The first used her virginal body, the next one tried to protect, her only to force her into the arms of the last one, who only stayed long enough to get his fill. We watched as those beautiful blue eyes turn to gray, and watched as the crimson love bled from her as she tattooed her body with razor blades. But who were we to stop her? I was scared to death of reality and my own past. And Christen had sampled the same lie and was enjoying it. I envied Teari for her beauty and Christen for her wisdom. How had we survived so long without one another, when now we were each other strength?

I watched as she gave up the life for vows, a ring and matrimony, our beloved Teari. And Christen move to stand on her own two feet with her boyfriend. I felt so alone again going into college by myself. How would we last? We were going our own ways, and we were no longer those wide eyed girls anymore, we had grown. Smarter, wiser and prepared to live another day, another week, and we would always have each other no matter what happened. We were a family.

our lives meant nothing; we were sinners,whores, alcoholics, love addicts. some nights we were prositutes, selling our hearts on the open market...we turned good girls into siners, bad boys into lovers, and ourselves from abused little girls into broken women